1 month ago today...

I know I haven’t posted anything in ages but I am going to try and start blogging regularly again. As probably most of you know, I have been wanting to have my leg amputated for the last 18 months or so. This is because for the last 2 years I had been suffering with severe ulceration on my CRPS foot which has meant I had to have in a plaster cast and dressed under general anaesthetics, sometimes as regularly as once a week. I had CRPS for 4 years but it wasn’t until August 2014 when it became much more than just the excruciating pain. My skin broke down into deep ulcers and despite skin grafts and many other operations (53 to be precise) and nothing would keep my foot healed.

On the 18^th July 2016, I had my leg amputated below the knee and today is exactly 1 month since my operation. It’s crazy to think about all the things that have happened in that month.

I don’t think I will ever forget the day of my amputation. When it finally came around I was so excited, I actually couldn’t wait to get to the hospital and at this point I wasn’t at all nervous. I just couldn’t wait, after such a long build-up to the operation I was so happy that there was an end in sight. When we arrived at the hospital it was around 12 noon. Mum, Dan and I were taken to my room and I was admitted. Both the surgeon and the anaesthetist came to see me and explained all their plans and once they had left was when the countdown to the operation began. It was an extremely long 5 hours of waiting and because my leg was infected I had to go last. It was so long in fact I think I fell asleep around 3pm because I was so excited I woke up at 5am that morning. Before I fell asleep, we did some Lego, watched some TV and just generally talked about how excited that it was going to be over and done with. I wasn’t nervous at all until at 5:30pm the nurses came and told me it was time to go. I got on the theatre trolley and went down the corridor and down in the lift to the operating theatres, during this time I was starting to worry about what might happen. I was taken straight into the anaesthetic room and the nurses were trying to make general chit chat but I can’t say it really took my mind off it that much. I can’t have been in the anaesthetic room more than 5 minutes before they told me that they were going to start the anaesthetic, I remember a few seconds of panic and then nothing…

…When I woke up, the first time I looked at the clock I think it was about 9pm. I was so relieved it was over and my leg was gone. The following day, the recovery nurse came to see me and said, ‘Do you know the first thing you said when you woke up was?’ and I replied no. She told me, ‘You asked me if it was gone?’ I think that pretty much sums up how I felt about the whole thing really. I spent that night in intensive care to make sure that everything was ok and then I was moved back to my room the following morning. I spent 6 nights in hospital, I had an epidural after the amputation for 4 days and that was then taken out but after that the pain was so much less than I had before from the CRPS. I had intensive physiotherapy with a lovely lady called Jenni, trying to relearn my balance, being able to get out of bed, going up and downstairs and being able to get up off the floor.

The first week at home was difficult, getting used to doing more and more things for myself, having to tackle the stairs and things but I spent a lot of the time making more Lego models, including a VW campervan which looks amazing but too mum and I about 3 full days. 11 days after my operation I got my stump shrinker and since then but stump has lost 3cm in circumference.

I started having regular physiotherapy and just 16 days after my operation, I started walking on a PPAM aid (inflatable and metal pre-prosthetic leg). It felt amazing to be upright walking for the first time in 2 years. It was the simple things that surprised me the most at first, immediately after I was able to put a duvet over both my legs, I was able to shower my leg, able to sleep the whole night through without waking up and most importantly I am PAIN FREE!

Just over 2 weeks after the operation, I was able to get back on a handcycle and cycle about 8km. It felt so good to be going so quick again. 3 weeks after, I was able to get in the swimming pool and start swimming again, something I had been unable to do because of my condition for the last 4 years (since I was 15). I had always loved swimming and not being able to go was so frustrating but when I first sat on the side with my legs dangling in the water it just stopped any phantom tingling that I used to get. I've been going to the gym and in the next couple of weeks I hope to be getting back in my racing wheelchair too.

I have also managed to reduce quite a lot of the medication that I was taking which has helped me overall, I am a lot less tired and more with it.

This Monday (22^nd August), I am going to the prosthetic limb centre and I will be casted for my new prosthetic leg which I should get about 3 weeks later.

I know amputation is not appropriate for most people with CRPS for one reason or another but I think it should be a treatment that could be paid for by the NHS in the right circumstances. My amputation has been amazing and completely got rid of my pain, I am now pain free. I also know a couple of others it has worked for. The problem is no one can tell you whether it will work for you before the operation and it is a gamble. I also know some people who have had CRPS and had amputation who still have the same CRPS pain or some pain.

So much has happened in the last month and to tell you every single thing, I would be going on forever so I have tried to make it as concise as possible. I am annoyed that the NHS refused to pay for my amputation because they deemed it ‘not essential’ but for me, it was essential and it was the only option I had. All I kept being told was that it might not cure the pain, which I was aware was a risk anyway but for me it was a risk worth taking and it has really paid off. I have freedom, I am pain free, ulcer free, infection free, my stump has totally healed and I will be able to walk again. I cannot thank the surgeon who did my amputation enough, without him I would still be trapped in the horrendous cycle I was in. He has given me my life back and I am now able to do whatever I like.

Why I'm having my leg amputated.

I know it's hard for some people to understand why anyone would want part of their limb to be removed from their body. But I want to try and explain why I've made the decision I have and why I have been to see an orthopaedic surgeon who will be able to amputate my leg below the knee. When I tell people that I want to have part of my lower leg amputated, they're automatic reaction is: "Oh no! You don't want that!" But I say, I really do. There are lots of reasons why I want to have an amputation and I'm going to try and explain just some of them, in the hope people will understand a bit more about my reasoning.

The biggest reason I want to have an amputation is my quality of life. At the minute my condition rules my life and I am unable to do a lot of the things a 19 year old girl wants to do. My life is ruled by doctors and hospitals and every week I have to take the long journey to London to have the cast (on my CRPS leg that covers the ulcers) removed under general anaesthetic and another put on. After trying lots and lots of different ways I might be able to tolerate a dressing the only way was under general anaesthetic, this is absolutely draining. Believe me if there was another way I would love not to have anaesthetics, apart from anything else it completely freaks me out not to mention the negative affects on my overall health. Going weekly is absolutely exhausting, just as I recover from the previous anaesthetic I have to face having it done all over again, it destroys me. If I had an amputation, all of this would stop, and as a consequence my overall health would improve significantly and I wouldn't have to spend a lot of life in bed and lacking energy. 

Another reason I want part of my lower leg amputated is mobility. At the moment my mobility is poor, I rely on crutches constantly but because of the pain, lack of energy and tiredness for the anaesthetics and my medication I am only able to hop very short distances before becoming too tired. The majority of the time I rely on my wheelchair because I am able to go further distances and not get as worn out. Sometimes I feel really old because my wheelchair is not comfortable and not really one made for a young woman. With amputation, there is the potential that I could be able to walk with a prosthetic leg which would be really exciting. There is also the potential that the pain might return, but if that is the case then I would still benefit because the part of my leg that does not function will have been removed meaning it wont be heavy to carry around and it wouldn't get in the way when I try and do things. The outcome is unpredictable and I am aware of that but sometimes you have to take risks and do what you believe is right. 

For me, the ulceration on my foot/ankle is one of the biggest reasons I am going to have my leg amputated. Since August 2014, my foot has had an open wound on it in one place or another. I've had skin grafts and skin flap surgery to try and heal my foot but all attempts have either failed initially or just reopened again. At times, the ulcers have been as deep as the bones in my foot and almost the entire length of the top of my foot. There is the constant threat of infection at any time and my body is always fighting bacteria that get in the wound. The CRPS means that the dressing can ONLY be changed under general anaesthetic which damages the rest of my body and limits what I can do for ages afterwards. My leg has been in a cast for about 18 months and so has almost entirely wasted away and so I am unable to move any part of my foot or ankle. 

Last but not least, pain. Pain is not one of the reasons I am having my leg amputated but obviously, it is a contributing factor. CRPS pain is like nothing else, it is worse than any pain most 'normal' people have ever experienced, but you feel it all day, every day and it never stops. Some people believe having an amputation will solve the pain, but the chances of being 'pain free' even after amputation are slim and this is because the nervous system is so complex. The risks of having an amputation are that the CRPS simply moves further up the limb to the stump and the chance of phantom limb pain is pretty high. It is a risk but for me, it is a risk worth taking. Not only do I have the nerve pain, but I also have the 'normal pain' anyone with a big ulcer on their foot would have and amputation will get rid of this pain once everything has healed.

I hope by reading this, you'll realise just some of the reasons why I am going to have my leg amputated. To be honest, to list all the reasons I would be going on and on forever so I thought I'd make this as concise as possible. By no means is this the 'easy option' and it is not right for most people with CRPS, but it is for me. After having my amputation, I am hoping to be able to walk again with a prosthetic leg. For me, this is a big 'ultimate' goal but something I will do my best to make sure it happens.

I have a long, hard journey ahead of me but I also have renewed hope. 

Cheers to the future! 

Does everything happen for a reason?

The past few weeks has been full of highs and lows for me. The horrendous experience of having the cast removed, to then the fact my foot had as good as healed after all this time, to the day I saw blood starting to seep through the dressing. People say everything happens for a reason but this has made me question this. Having CRPS is horrible, and especially at first you feel it's stolen who you used to be. But having ulceration on the limb you also have CRPS in just makes everything worse. When I woke up from the doctor taking off the plaster cast and leaving it open with a sticky dressing on top, it really was the worse pain I've ever experienced. I was a total mess, all I could do was scream and cry. My memory about some of the details is pretty vague because all I really remember is PAIN. But eventually when they took of the ridiculous sticky dressing and loosely covered my whole foot with dressing to prevent the air against it, it got much better than it was. When I went home that evening, I was upset about what had happened but I was also happy and optimistic. I was happy because again I thought it was all over and optimistic because we'd talked about trailing spinal cord stimulation (SCS). I felt like we were making progress. Although I had dressings still covering my foot I felt like they could potentially come off if the scs worked. I went a few days in increased pain than when my leg was in a cast but I thought with time, it could improve. The trouble is because all the muscle in my leg had wasted I am unable to lift or move my foot at all, in the cast. My foot was at a right angle to stop the graft from moving because it was very fragile.

Well when they removed the dressing that the blood had seeped through, they said the skin had broken down again, which was really hard to deal with because I thought I was getting better. I had the dressing changed but some weeks later the dressing started to smell horrendous, like rotting flesh. I was afraid to go anywhere because of what people might think about me. When this dressing was removed the ulcer had just got worse, it had got bigger and so deep that the bones in my foot were exposed. After this was changed, the pain was so bad I had to stay in hospital for nearly 2 weeks taking ketamine as this was the only thing that made the unbearable slightly more bearable. I wanted to do everything I could to make things better and they were just getting uncontrollably worse. Whilst I was in hospital I had that dressing changed again after 10 days, which went slightly better because my leg was in a backslab cast which was more comfortable than it being unsupported. Whilst I was in hospital I made friends with someone else who suffers from invisible illnesses and is passionate, like me, about raising awareness of invisible disabilities. They also helped me a lot when I was in pain, by chatting and just being there for me, so a massive thank you. 

Today, I am on my way to London to have the dressing changed under anaesthetic again. I've only just realised that today is exactly 52 weeks since my leg has been in plaster and I have not seen my own foot since, which is a weird feeling. I really hope that I start to get some good luck soon and professionals start to listen to my point of view for a change. All of this experience makes me wonder if things really do happy for a reason, I just hope they do and what's meant to be will be. At the end of the day "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!". 

I'm hoping to get back to blogging more regularly, it's just I've had a lot of things going on recently. 

Keep going everyone. Remember, true strength comes from within... 

CRPS Diagnosis and Acceptance

LWhen first getting diagnosed with CRPS many thoughts may go through your mind. Primarily for me this was 'what does that mean?'. Then thoughts may turn to the future and if this will ever get better or go away. I know when I was first diagnosed, I was told 'don't worry we can sort it out' but 3 years on I now know that that's pretty much a lie. CRPS is very hard to treat effectively, but if you are diagnosed in the first 3 months there is a higher chance of remission. But there are no guarantees. When you first get a diagnosis, you often wonder what it means fro your future and the truth is CRPS affects everybody differently and so no body can really tell you.

Acceptance is a massive part after you are told you have CRPS, it is a process that takes time. I don't think I have fully accepted what has happened yet but I think I am a lot closer than I was earlier this year. There are 5 stages to acceptance:

1. Denial - the first stage is denial. This means that you are denying that your life has changed/been affected but CRPS. A common thought I had was 'I can still carry on despite my condition'. There is no set amount of time that you could be in denial, it varies from person to person. As long as you allow yourself to have thoughts and feelings you will always deny your condition. 

2. Anger - the second stage is anger. You will feel angry, maybe towards yourself, family, friends or maybe the doctor who diagnosed you. You may try and find someone to blame or wonder why this has happened to you. This stage is very common and a normal part of acceptance but it is also important not to stay in this stage for too long because this can cause stress, depression, bitterness or isolation. You may find that you snap mat people when you don't mean it and when you normally wouldn't. I found this stage hard because I would get anger with my family and lose my temper when I never used to be like that before. 

3. Bargaining - the third stage is bargaining. This is where you may make a deal or trade with your elf or 'God' that if you do something good the your CRPS will go into remission or your pain reduced. This is you trying to find a way back to your old life before you were diagnosed with CRPS. None of these thoughts will ever materialise as there is currently no cure for CRPS.

4. Depression - the fourth stage is depression. At this point in the acceptance process you have realised your CRPS will not go away. You have chronic pain/ CRPS for the rest of your life, during this time symptoms may vary greatly but it will always be there. People tend to stay in this stage the longest because it is the most difficult to get through. You may experience feelings of sadness, loss, desperation, anxiety, isolation or vulnerability. People in this stage tend to withdraw as they see no point in doing things, living, seeing or talking to friends, family or loved ones. No joy or love of life can be found for people going through this stage and no way out can be found, it will seem to last forever but you will get through it. Depression totally consumes you and your life, it may seem like you can talk to no one but if you slip deeper and deeper into depression or experience suicidal thoughts or intentions that you seek medical attention right away. It is not uncommon for people with CRPS to experience these feelings in fact many sufferers do. When you are diagnosed with CRPS and you enter this depression stage you are often grieving for the loss of your 'old life' and the loss of all the things you used to enjoy. You may feel tearful and cry and sometimes not even know why, I know I did but this is all part of the acceptance process. You have to appreciate that you are bound to have bad days as well as good ones because it is not easy. To get through this process it takes a bit of time and patience for you. At around this time it helps to talk to other CRPS sufferers on Facebook groups. I found the 'CRPS UK- living with pain' group, that is run by CRPS UK for sufferers, a life saver, it was so brilliant to talk to so many amazing people with experience and it is a brilliant to post your problems and worries privately and get advice from other people. 

5. Acceptance! - the final stage of the process is acceptance. It is at this point that you begin to realise that you have a limit to what you are able to do now in your 'new life'. The aim of this is to find acceptance of your CRPS. You have now found that you have accepted your CRPS into your life and it is a part of you that will remain th you for the rest of your life. It does not mean your life is over and that you have to give everything upon give up looking for different treatments or a cure because of the chronic pain but you have realised the reality of it. Your new life, since your CRPS, will be different and the way you do things will be different to how you used to but this is ok, and all part of the process. You will begin to heal emotionally an mentally once you understood that that this is your new path yah at you will follow. By incorporating your CRPS into the things that you do will help you heal and start to take control of your life instead or your condition continuing to take it over. 

I found acceptance an incredibly hard process and it took me to some very dark days, but I got through it. I would say now, 3 years since my CRPS was trigger, I am close to accepting what has happening to me and how it is likely to affect me in the future. I'm not there yet, I still have some things to accept but I will get there, and so will you.

Never give up on hope!!!!!!

The Invisible Parts of CRPS!

The I'm sorry it's been a while since my last post, been having a bit of a hard time lately. Somehow I got an abscess on my foot right near the ulcer and it became infected which made me feel really unwell. which meant a weeks stay in hospital for me 👎🏻. Still struggling with this but the blog must go on. 

I've had a lot of time to think recently, which is sometimes a good thing and sometimes bad. I thought it. Would be good to blog about the 'invisible' part of CRPS. The bits people don't see, the parts when you feel like falling apart, the struggles we face everyday with a smile on our faces, the mask that hides a thousand tears. People can be extremely quick to judge, just because you may 'look fine' that does not mean a thing. 

PAIN! 💉

The most obvious invisible symptom of CRPS is the pain that we feel relentlessly, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Some people don't believe me when I say the pain is constant, it does not go away- but it's true. People describe the pain they feel differently but the common thing is the burning pain that is described, this may be an extremely hot burning sensation or a freezing cold sensation. For me, over time it has changed, when my CRPS was first triggered I felt a burning hot feeling but gradually over time this has changed to an ice burning feeling. They say this is partly because of the effect the nerves have had on the blood vessels and blood supply to my foot, it is now compromised. As well as the burning feeling I was describe my pain as a sharp stabbing pain and a shooting pain that goes from my toes to my thigh. Pain in itself is a symptom that greatly affects the mobility of patients and their ability to carry out 'standard' everyday tasks. You really could never imagine the pain until you have experienced it. After a while, we learn to try and mask our pain. We smile on the outside when it feels like our bodies are in self destruct mode. It is hard to mask the pain but it has to be done to try and progress with life and have some kind of normality back. 

Sensitivity. 😰

Another invisible symptom that is linked to the pain felt by sufferers is sensitivity. This means the even the slightest touch can cause extreme, uncontrollable pain. The sensitivity is a hard thing to conquer, some people manage to use desensitisation techniques to teach themselves to tolerate it but for other sufferers, this just isn't possible. The 'fear' of the affected limb getting touched lead many sufferers to try and guard their affected limb from anything that may touch. Unfortunately I fall into the category of people to try to protect their limb from anything knocking it because the pain is unbelievable. At times I find it hard to enjoy certain things because I am so worried about people knocking my leg. For me the sensitivity doesn't end with only people knocking my leg but for example if the wind blows strongly it's hurts. If it is raining heavily, the rain drops hurt. Vibrations from loud noises hurt. And when the weather turns cold, it causes me increased pain. 

Emotions. 😕

Living in chronic pain also impact on your emotions as it is exhausting trying to hide the pain you are in constantly.  Many people who live with chronic pain or CRPS experience depression at some point, this is often part of acceptance and the realisation that you can no longer do what you were once able to. I also have anxiety and PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) in relation to my CRPS and the experiences I've had since my CRPS was triggered. At times it is hard but my boyfriend, family and friends make a big difference to my mood. Since Dan and I have been together my anxiety has improved a lot, I think it's because I feel safe when we go out together and now often I never think of the things I used to worry about when I went out. For people with CRPS it is often recommended you have a multi-disciplinary team including: anaesthetists, pain management consultants, physiotherapists and psychologists to work together on all of the problems having an invisible illness causes. Sometimes people won't see psychologists because they're worried people will think they are mad or crazy but that's not the point. At first I was sceptical but now I realise that they're help is very valuable. For me they've helped me to learn to stay calm during pain flares, helped reduce my PTSD symptoms and anxiety, they've also helped me realise that I'm still the same person I was before and how to accept what I can and cannot do right now. I really think i would be in a lot worse position now if I hadn't accepted they're help. 

With CRPS only occasinally are they visible symptoms such as colour changes to the skin, changes to nails, ulceration, dry or shiny thin skin but even these are hard to spot, you'd have to be looking pretty closely. The problem is many people can be too quick to judge that you may 'look fine' but actually they will never know what we go through every day. So next time you try and judge a book by its cover, just think that not all disabilities are so obvious and you can never guess what's happening on the inside. 

The Troubles of Being Young and Disabled

I've been trying to think what I should write about next, that's when Dan had a good idea. What it is like to be young and have a disability. Since my CRPS got worse and I started to develop ulcers, my mobility has also got worse, meaning I am unable to put pressure through my right leg which has been the case for the last 6 months. At first it was hard to try and adapt, and it still is but I feel like I'm getting there, my balance is incredible now. I consider myself lucky, I had saved some money and I managed to buy an automatic car which my parents paid to have adapted for me. I don't know where I would be without my car (Ralph) now, after 3 months of not being able to drive my old car, it gave me some freedom back. All of my friends and family were really supportive in me trying to live with my disability and accepting my limitations, however, society can be very cruel to young disabled people. Don't get me wrong some of the general public are very nice but others can be very rude and spiteful for no obvious reason. So I thought I'd share some of my mine and Dan's experiences to make you realise you are not alone:

1. Disabled bays: 

There's a clue I the name really they are for disabled people who hold a blue badge irrespective of their age. I know for sure I have had some terrible experiences of disabled bays within the last 6 months so I'm sure many other people have as well.

I was going to the supermarket one day and so I went to park in the disabled bays because I have a blue badge. Before I even started to get out of my car an old man was stood there shaking his fist at me. Normally I use my chair when I go into the supermarket but this time I only needed a couple of things so I used my crutches. I started to get out of the car and the man starts shouting about 'how I should move my car because these spaces are only for disabled people.' I ignored him at the time until he said 'look at you' and that I was faking my disability, I turned round and said 'so then why are you parked here, you are old not disabled.' After that I heard him mumbling but I ignored it and just went to get my shopping. I was innocent, all I wanted to do was go to the supermarket. Later on when I thought about it, it made me really frustrated because I just wanted to mind my own business.

When I've parked in disabled bays and got out, I have been 'reminded' several times that I'm parked there. Dan has even had people knock on the window saying 'excuse me this is a disabled space'.  This is pretty common for CRPS sufferers, as primarily it is an invisible disability however right now mine is pretty visible, in fact it's bright pink and people still feel the need to intervene. 

2. 'How can you drive that car?' 

This is a question I hear far too much of. My car is adapted with a left foot accelerator so I can drive it with my left foot, which was hard to adapt to at first but now I couldn't imagine it any other way. Dan's car is adapted with hand controls, so he can accelerate and brake using his hands. It's pretty amazing the kinds of adaptations that you can have put in your car, yet unless it affects you and you are able bodied you've probably never thought about it. 

Not that long ago, I went to put petrol in my car and then went into the kiosk to pay. My leg was in plaster and I was on my crutches and the woman behind the till started asking questions. 'Is that your car' 'are you the driver' 'you're not allowed to drive like that'. I said yes and it is adapted so I can drive it with my left leg. 'Surely that's not legal'. Actually it is perfectly legal. The woman even threatened to report me to the DVLA, if she saw me again. It's so frustrating and tiring having to explain yourself everywhere you go when you just want to get on with your day. 

But just because you have disability doesn't mean you can't drive, there are so many adaptions you can get nearly anyone driving. 

3. Wheelchairs

When Dan and I go out it always takes us a while to get our chairs out the car and to put them back in. I find it frustrating that it takes so long but then we just have to be patient and so do other people. We've had people just staring at us putting our stuff in the car, for no reason just because they are nosey.

The most frustrating thing for us is when we go out in our racing chairs and parents with young children say 'look at that bike' and the little kids correct them saying its a wheelchair. It's like they are afraid to tell them it is a chair. Personally, I'd rather them say it's a wheelchair than send mixed messages to children because there is a difference and being honest doesn't offend us, we are well aware they are wheelchairs and not bikes. 

When the weather in nice Dan and I go training around the quay, we have so many people of all ages just sit and stare at us, we are trying to better ourselves and we get people pointing and staring. I think this is because para sports are massively under-advertised and its probably the first time many people have seen racing chairs or hand bikes but even so it makes me feel like I'm the odd one out when really I'm not everyone is different. 

Over the last 6 months I have had so many negative experiences like these by members of the public. We don't want wrapping in bubble wrap either, we just want to be able to get on with our own lives like any other person would. Obviously these are just the bad experiences, I have had positive experiences as well when people offer to help if they see I am struggling. I wanted to share these stories so young disabled people don't feel isolated and alone like it is just them, it isn't, lots of people have these kind of problems.

Stay strong! :) 

Isn't it funny how things change.

If I had imagined my future when I was 16 years old, I definitely would not have imagined I would be in the position I am now as a 19 year old. Back then I would've imagined myself living in London and working at all the type of amazing places I did. I had big dreams, the only career I'd ever wanted to do was to be a chef. For a few years I managed to hide my pain under a mask in front of people. To me it didn't matter that much because I was still doing what I had always wanted to do and that. Is the thing that kept me going. I miss it terribly. I wish I was still there with all my friends. But then in August 2014 a small black dot appeared on my right, CRPS affected limb. At first I thought nothing of it but then it was the thing that changed everything. After only a few days, the black dot started to collapse in on itself. It turned into a small hole, which then grew deeper and wider. I was unable to go  to work, I still lived in London but the thing that made me want to carry on had gone. I was really upset to say the least. From October - December I spent my time in hospital having skin grafts and reconstruction on my foot, it was a horrible and terrifying time. But finally on the 18th Decmeber I was discharged from hospital, my foot was healing and I was able to go home for Xmas. Everybody had doubts about me returning to college including me but I was determined and nothing would stop me, even though the term started only three weeks after I had re-learned to walk and left hospital. I was so happy to be back at college with all my friends, I felt like I had made it and the worse was over, things just kept getting better and better. Then only a few weeks before half term, another dot appeared on my foot. At first I tried to ignore it and pretend it wasn't happening, but then the same thing happened and it started to collapse inward again, I could no longer ignore it. I had to try and explain what was happening, even though i wasn't really sure myself. Again, it worsened pretty quickly. I'm so grateful that the college were so understanding and together, along with my doctors we made the decision I should leave after half term and try and get better for the following January.

I left college on the 22nd February, I had to return to my parents house. In all honesty, it really destroyed me, I felt like such a massive failure. Things kept going from bad to worse, on the 6th March my leg was put in a plaster cast to try and stop the twitching ripping the ulcer apart. Now, 37 weeks later I am sitting here with a plaster cast in my leg. But that is the only similarity between now and then. After the cast was put on my depression spiralled almost out of control. I was at the point I just wanted to give up. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. But luckily for me ther was a way out. Before my CRPS I had done karate for 8 years and I had a 1st dan (black belt). I hadn't taken part in any sport for the last 3 years but during the really dark times, I felt I needed to. I looked at many para-sports. But I wasn't really sure about them, I didn't know anything about it really. I tried fencing but it wasn't for me. Then I found a wheelchair racing group about 50 minutes from where I live. I went along not really knowing what to expect, I saw how fast some people could go. It also happens to be the place I met my boyfriend, Dan. Since then everything has changed for the better.  I am no longer depressed, in fact quite the opposite! I apply the same principles of karate and my ambitions of being a chef to my wheelchair racing. I want to be the best. I love being with Dan, we be on so well and it's amazing we understand each other's problems. Now when I train, it takes my mind off all the rubbish that has gone on it the past three years, it gives me hope for the future. Strangely training is a brilliant way of getting rid of anger or frustration. By far my favourite thing is the post training buzz, when I finish training I feel amazing and so happy!

I guess what I'm trying to say is, just because one thing doesn't work out it doesn't mean that's it. At the time, I really thought it was but Dan has taught me it isn't and that there is more out there than you could ever imagine. Never give up hope.